Noisy Water Review

The Playwright

Brandon Boatman

 

WRITER

Just kiss him!

 

FEMALE

Ugh! Why? He hasn’t done anything to earn it!

 

WRITER

Kiss him because you love him!

 

FEMALE

I don’t love him!

 

WRITER

Everything has lead up to this kiss, if you two kiss, you will realize you love him!

 

MALE

I don’t quite see the logic there...

 

WRITER

There doesn’t need to be logic. It’s love! Trust me, just kiss and find out.

 

Male and Female kiss quickly.

 

FEMALE

I don’t feel any differently.

 

MALE

I still feel the same. Awkward.

 

WRITER

Well that wasn’t a real kiss. Really kiss her! She likes you but wants to know you have the passion to move into love.

 

FEMALE

Where did you come up with that theory?

 

WRITER

Listen, you should be following orders. Just let him kiss you right, after everything you two have been through, you will fall in love.

 

MALE

That just feels a little forced.

 

WRITER

Well, we’ll see. Try it.

 

Male and female shrug and male kisses female passionately.

 

WRITER (CONT’D)

Well....

 

FEMALE

I guess I’m just confused at what you think this will do for me.

 

MALE

I feel totally out of my element with that.

 

WRITER

Nothing is different? You both still haven’t fallen for each other?

 

M AND F

No!

 

WRITER

What the hell!? I thought girls wanted to be kissed passionately!

 

FEMALE

Well, how would you know that? You’ve never experienced that.

 

WRITER

Duh! I’m trying new things out because this has to work. She has to fall for me!

 

MALE

I think you might be trying too hard, man.

 

WRITER

I’ve tried not trying. I’ve tried trying. I need to try something else.

 

MALE

Maybe you should try not trying harder!

 

WRITER

Maybe you should shut up and help me out.

 

FEMALE

The kiss is not it. Too much too soon. Think of something else.

 

WRITER

Well what comes before a kiss?

 

MALE

You mean besides all the sappy, heartfelt sentiments?

 

WRITER

What about a dance? A slow dance. You hold her close and you look deep into his eyes and you know!

 

MALE

Ugh!

 

FEMALE

Did this ever work for you before?

 

WRITER

You know the answer to that.

 

FEMALE

I do, but I think you forgot.

 

WRITER

We’re not here to debate. We’re here to figure out how to fall in love! There should be music.

 

MALE

You don’t know how to dance.

 

WRITER

I don’t need to. It’s the sentiment that counts, right?

 

FEMALE

Just entertain him.

 

MALE

I will, but I just think he needs to accept reality.

 

WRITER

Hey. Man and woman. Work with me here, we’re brainstorming. This can work!

 

MALE

I think you are losing your grip. You struck out! Just go sit back on the bench for a little bit.

 

WRITER

I’m going to do this, I just need the final touch, and you are both going to help me figure out what that is. Now dance romantically!

 

M and F begin a ballroom dance.

 

WRITER (CONT’D)

There should really be some music here, do you think something symphonic or something easy going?

 

FEMALE

I think no matter what we’re running into the same problem. This is mundane. When have we ever danced before?

 

MALE

Not only that, but not knowing how to dance is really making this awkward.

 

WRITER

Well forget it then. That’s not working... That works in other situations.

 

MALE

Different situations it will probably work out fine. You are not in one of those situations.

 

FEMALE

At least you’re trying, that says something.

 

MALE

Does it though. He has always tried. It always works out the same. How can you look at the situation and think this will help?

 

FEMALE

I’m not saying it will help. I just think there is something a little romantic about this.

 

MALE

Don’t go that route. You will just be giving him more false hope than he already has.

 

WRITER

I’m not giving up! Let’s try something else... assuming the dancing slow, holding each other close, gazing into each other’s eyes... didn’t work.

 

M AND F

*sigh* It didn’t.

 

WRITER

You need to know he loves you. And you need to believe he does. Why not just tell her. Make her believe!!

 

MALE

You feel like writing poetry or something.

 

WRITER

No really! Why not just tell her the words in your heart. Why wouldn’t that work? There is a spark there, why can’t that catch fire?

 

FEMALE

That might be closer, but I still don’t think you’re looking at the whole picture.

 

MALE

You need more than just words. Your words will not save you in this situation.

 

WRITER

But that’s my greatest strength. She can fall in love if I bare my soul and show her my true feelings.

 

MALE

This is new ground and I’m sure it will end up badly.

 

WRITER

What do you think?

 

FEMALE

I think that you won’t really listen to what we have to say until you see it through, so we might as well just do it.

 

WRITER

You should take her hands and look into her eyes.

 

MALE

And what should I say, genius?

 

WRITER

Say:

 

MALE

More than anything I know about life or the way things are in this world, I know I want you. I know that we are perfect for each other and that I will never be as happy as I am when I am with you. I do know that I don’t know what I’m doing. You deserve to be pursued liked the royalty you are and I screw that up quite often, but I will take all the time necessary to perfect the craft if you would let me. I love you and I will pursue you to the ends of the earth to show that to you.

 

WRITER

How was that?

 

FEMALE

Well, not bad. But I still think you are not thinking this all the way through.

 

WRITER

How can I? I love her. I need her to know that. She needs to know that...

 

MALE

We think that you need to know that someone loves you. That’s what we’ve alluded to earlier. You aren’t thinking this all the way through.

 

WRITER

If she sees this play I have written her, she will know that I care, she will know how I truly feel. Right?

 

FEMALE

She will know you are still thinking about her, for sure, but probably not in the context that you are hoping for.

 

WRITER

I have never been this close to somebody else before.

 

FEMALE

You’ve never really been close to anybody.

 

MALE

Try to get outside of your feelings and think with a clear head here. You can predict what will happen.

 

Jennifer comes on stage.

 

WRITER

Jennifer! What are you doing here?

 

JENNIFER

You have something to show me?

 

WRITER

I wrote you a play! I know I couldn’t express myself correctly beforehand, but I think everything I truly want to say is in here.

 

JENNIFER

Why would you write me a play?

 

WRITER

Because I love you, and I need you to know that.

 

JENNIFER

But you’ve said that before. You didn’t already forget our conversation, did you?

 

WRITER

I didn’t. But I know if you would just sit down and watch it, you will see what I mean.

 

MALE

Dude, you should let it go.

 

FEMALE

Listen to him. Just trust us!

 

WRITER

Please, just watch it. We’ve been working on it restlessly.

 

JENNIFER

I don’t know how to say this to you in a way that will make you understand, but we are through! You don’t ever pay attention to me or listen to me! I am not a damn character in a play or book or movie or song or whatever the hell you are into at the moment.

 

WRITER

I know that! I just wanted to show you...

 

JENNIFER

When you’re in a relationship, you work with the other person to make the relationship stronger. You speak with them. You improve yourself for them based on their needs. You do not look to media for answers to the problems you have devised in your head!

 

WRITER

Jennifer! I know that. This play is to show you that I really understand that I love you. I will work at it! I will!!

 

JENNIFER

This is a damn play! It is not a contract verifying your actions will change. It does not mean anything. Just another fabrication of your imagination leading you to believe that everything you say and do is great and you have the power to change whatever is wrong.

 

WRITER

I know that I can’t do that. I’m willing to do the work.

 

JENNIFER

How can I know that? What has really changed about you to prove it?

 

WRITER

I... I mean it. I don’t want to lose you.

 

JENNIFER

You won’t because you never had me to begin with. You need to decide to come out of your imaginary world and live among the real people or just stay up there and leave us alone. You are not a person. You are just a genius who is too smart for his own good. Accept that or give it up, but stop trying to live in both worlds.

 

MALE

You need to just accept what she’s telling you otherwise you’re going to be here a lot longer and I’m not sure how much more of this you can take.

 

FEMALE

Just tell her ok and come back to us.

 

WRITER

I need to make her understand... she needs to know I mean well.

 

FEMALE

Just let him be! He’ll get it. He was almost there.

 

JENNIFER

How many times has this happened before? He needs to realize it’s him and stop thinking it is everyone else. I’ll enforce that anyway I can.

 

MALE

He gets it. He gets it. Tell her you got it.

 

WRITER

... I got it.

 

JENNIFER

What?

 

WRITER

I didn’t respond to you the way you deserved to be responded to. I should move on and allow you to do the same.

 

JENNIFER

That’s all I wanted to hear.

 

Jennifer exits stage.

 

FEMALE

What a bitch!

 

MALE

Just listen to us from now on. Don’t let her come back.

 

WRITER

Jennifer?

 

MALE

Jennifer, Allie, Danielle... whoever it is you can’t let go of.

 

WRITER

I really thought this would work, you know, win her back.

 

FEMALE

Well, you don’t need her. You have us! We always play nice.

 

WRITER

That’s kind of the rule though.

 

MALE

Just enjoy it, douche bag!

 

WRITER

So I shouldn’t call her?

 

MALE

Fuck you! That hurts us just as much as it does you.

 

FEMALE

Just finish this. It will take your mind off things.

 

WRITER

But it’s a love story, I feel like I should write anything but.

 

FEMALE

You kidding me, you almost have it done.

 

MALE

Yeah, just focus and close it up.

 

WRITER

I mean, really? I think I have proven I shouldn’t be writing about this stuff.

 

FEMALE

That was your life though. This is fiction.

 

MALE

Yeah! People buy this crap all the time. Cash in.

 

WRITER

I guess you’re right.

 

MALE

You would know if I am right.

 

WRITER

How should we close it out? Which of the three fit best?

 

FEMALE

Keep them all! Just go in the opposite direction. Even the fact you can’t dance, I think it’s cute.

 

MALE

I think we should go through them one more time, practice that kiss again at the very least.

 

WRITER

At least somebody around here will be getting action.

 

 

> Return to Top